One Couple, Two Stories

Nobody’s life is defined by just one story, and, without recognizing the various stories, it’s impossible to actually know the people or understand the culture.

I recently went with a friend to visit her sister and brother-in-law, a newly-wed couple whose dowry ceremony I attended a few weeks ago. (In Rwanda, the dowry is actually a bride price, which the family of the groom presents to the family of the bride, and usually consists of cows or money.) The ceremony seemed like something that might appear in a National Geographic article on “primitive tribal festivals” or something equally insolent. It lasted several hours and consisted of speeches from the men in both families, singing, traditional drumming, and multiple Intore dance performances. The groom put a ring on the bride’s left middle finger (signifying that she is unavailable but not yet married), and she put a beaded necklace on him. Members of both families elaborately and ritually exchanged gifts. Everyone involved (the complete wedding party probably totaled 50 people) was dressed in traditional clothes, effectively a scarf wrapped as a skirt with a matching one tied as a one-shouldered top, mostly in leopard print (which also decorated the stage area). It really was the type of thing people imagine when they think about “Africa.” From a Western perspective, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to think that people who hold such a ceremony are “conservative” or “traditional”.

Flash forward a few weeks to the night I visited the couple at their house. They appeared to be the most modern, Western people I’ve met in Rwanda. They live in the nicest house I’ve been in here, complete with a TV and stereo system. Both are educated, and the husband in particular speaks excellent French. They were both dressed like Americans, and fashionable ones at that – she looked like she was going to a club in New York City, and he looked like he just stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad. Plus, they acted like they’re actually in love – something I see very, very rarely here. They sat close to each other, chatted, and (gasp!), he even put his arm around her. All this would have been interesting regardless, but was particularly fascinating to me, having just attended their dowry ceremony, where they seemed so very different.

What I’m not yet clear on is why Rwandan couples, like this one, hold dowry ceremonies today. Is it possible that people who, in some ways, seem so very Western still believe that a woman must be bought? Or, has the dowry ceremony become something that people go through the motions of because it’s tradition? Or, does it happen against the will of the couple because the heads of the family insist on it?

I actually think this nicely illustrates the “iceberg-culture analogy” that many study abroad students and international volunteers are taught. It describes culture as an iceberg, because the most noticeable part is the part you can see, but the most important part is the part you can’t see. You can see how people dress, what they eat, and what their houses look like, but you can’t see what they think and how they feel and why. In this case, I can see how the same people sometimes seem so traditional and sometimes seem so modern, but I don’t know what they actually think or what their beliefs are ultimately rooted in.

To me, this also highlights the fundamental complexity that exists in everyone but is often ignored in Africans. You might see a photo from the dowry ceremony and think, “Oh, these people are so traditional.” Maybe you wouldn’t be wrong, but you’d only be getting half of the story. At the same time, if you saw a picture from the night I visited, you might think, as I did, “Wow, these people are so modern,” but that’s still only half the story.

As some bloggers I read have complained, Africans are frequently painted as one-dimensional figures whose lives are dominated by suffering, rather than as people with ideas, opinions, goals, motivations, feelings, uncertainties, and desires. Failing to recognize their actual humanity is a mistake made too often by Westerners, including those in aid and diplomacy, where this error is the most harmful. Because it stops them from seeing the reality, it prevents aid workers from providing substantive assistance and diplomats from forging effective relationships. To be successful, they must recognize each of the peoples’ various stories, not only those that fit into a preconceived notion of what “Africans” are like.

Here’s a great speech by Nigerian author Chimamanda Adiche on the topic - "The Danger of a Single Story."